 |
I don’t talk a ton about my faith on my blog, but I do try to be real & share the things that I’ve been thinking on or I’m excited about. Recently, I’ve started following a Bible study by Cindy Beall, along with my friend Gussy and the other ladies over at SheReadsTruth.com in an effort to read my Bible daily & have a group of ladies holding me accountable.
Day 3 has been particularly standing out in my mind. The passage discussed was Acts 1:23–26 and relates when the disciples were replacing Judas as 1 of the 12 disciples. It depicts how 1 man was chosen & 1 was not; how 1 man faced incredible rejection.
At the end Cindy poses the question “Are there areas of your life where you are still holding onto rejection?” I’ve had disappointments in my life, someone was chosen over me, that sort of thing that is more a direct correlation to what was illustrated in the passage, but when I sat there thinking, the only thing that came to mind was one day in the 5th grade.
I remember exaclty how I felt. I remember exactly what I was wearing. It was the first time I had chosen to wear that particular dress to school and I ended the day thinking it must be the most horribly ugly dress ever. I remember how I wore my hair — in low pigtails. I felt so ridiculous for thinking that pigtails (pigtails?!?!) were a good idea. By the end of the day I felt ugly, unloved & small.
I still don’t really know the “why” behind what transpired that day. I don’t think I did anything of significance to bring it one, but after 20+ years some of the details are fuzzy.
I went to a small private school. In the 5th grade there were 7 girls in my class, including myself. On the day that I’ve been describing, all 6 of them completely ignored me and were rude to me the few times that they did acknowledge me. For an 11 year old, that was bad enough, but amongst those 6 girls was also a very dear friend I have known since birth. Literally. We grew up together and have always been incredibly close. But for some reason, that day the instigator in this scenario had even convinced her to be mean to and ignore me.
I was crushed and couldn’t understand it. If only I were prettier, had more stylish clothes, was more [fill in the blank], perhaps they wouldn’t be doing this to me.
As I was reading the devotional for the day & thinking about that day in the 5th grade — I was crying. 20+ year later, and I’m crying.
I’ve since been wondering how much I’ve allowed that 1 day when I was 11 to shape who I am today. Am I still afraid of feeling that same rejection at 32?
In new friendships, I’m constantly afraid of being a bother. I feel like they’re doing me a favor by allowing be to spend time with them and assume they’d much rather I just left them alone, especially when there’s a group of us and particularly when I’m new to that group. So I’m timid, cautious not to offend or push my luck with their graciousness.
To be honest, I haven’t worked this out yet. I’m still in a place where that hurt is still pretty raw. I know that I long for deep friendship, but am scared to make myself vulnerable to what that takes. I have a feeling others of you have had similar rejection & challenge us to allow God into those places of hurting and not allow something that happened so many years ago to cripple us any longer.
What do you think? Can you relate? Are you willing to let go of this rejection, not allow it to control you anymore & live the life God has meant for you?
xoxo Lori Danelle
|
Thank you for sharing this Lori! When you were describing how you feel with friendships, I realized that is exactly how I am and it was very eye opening for me! Thank you!
Glad to hear I’m not alone in this, but saddened that you feel the same way! I’ll be praying that you will allow God to tell you what is true about you & cease to believe the lies about ourselves that we’ve believed for so long.
I found you through #shereadstruth and I’m so glad I did! You took the words right out of my mouth: “In new friendships, I’m constantly afraid of being a bother. I feel like they’re doing me a favor by allowing be to spend time with them and assume they’d much rather I just left them alone, especially when there’s a group of us and particularly when I’m new to that group. So I’m timid, cautious not to offend or push my luck with their graciousness.”
I strongly urge you to read “The Search for Significance” if you never have. It always feels trite to recommend a book, but this one has been so helpful to me that I’m going to anyway. Through a study of the book I discovered that I have believed the lie that I am not wanted, merely tolerated, for most of my life. It has affected my relationships with friends, with my family, and with God. It’s an every day struggle to speak truth to that lie, but the book has helped so much.
Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing your heart!
Lori, this is real. I often feel like I’m the only one, but reading this, I’m sure I’m not. For me, it started in preschool… I would ask all the children if I could play with them, and every one of them said no. (that’s what I remember) since those few months in my life, I feel like I don’t know how to be a good friend. I’ll be so loyal to you, but I feel like no one will let me in, which in turn, makes me push people away.
My husband and I moved to WI in November and I don’t have one person that I can call a friend, that I can even call to get coffee. I’ve been hurting since preschool, and quite honestly, I don’t even know how to let go.
I’d love to pray together about this, for strength to release rejection, and comfort knowing sweet Jesus never rejects. You can email me if you’d like!
The middle school years are the hardest years of life. Both of my girls cried all the way through middle school. I guarantee you that all of those little girls who rejected you that day had the same experience at some point. I don’t think anyone escapes it. My personal rejection came through a very important family member whom I KNOW loved me, but believed it was wrong to compliment me or encourage me in any way, shape or form. She truly believed it would make me conceited and that was the worst sin she could think of. I grew up “knowing” that I was not pretty enough, talented enough–smart enough–never heard a praise for singing in church, for playing at a piano recital, for an art project well done . . . It’s still a heartache. She once found a list I’d written of all the things I hate about myself and THEN she was so proud of me! I’m 57 years old and a nurse and still can’t get that confidence built into me. It needed to happen when I was little by the person who loved me most. I can’t accept a compliment. I can’t put myself out there. I’m insecure and never good enough. There’s never been very many days in a row when I don’t see it staring me down. I still cry sometimes when I realize I’m not doing something because I know I’m not good enough or when I see myself pushing my husbands compliments away because “he must be lying–I know I’m not pretty.” Or when I don’t try something new because I’m not smart enough to be able to do it right. It has greatly changed who I should have been. I’ve forgiven her, she truly thought she was doing what she was supposed to do, and I know she loved me so much. But I carry the rejection with me every day.
this is all so deep and so sad =(
I think that the first step into healing is knowing what hurts and having that figured out for sure will help you on feeling better overtime.
It is indeed a scary thing how moments that happened so far ago can stay inside of our hearts shaping the way we live life down the road. I pray for my little girls and their growing. strength to you dear, xo.
Wow, I feel like I could have written the “In new friendships…” paragraph.