I don’t talk a ton about my faith on my blog, but I do try to be real & share the things that I’ve been thinking on or I’m excited about. Recently, I’ve started following a Bible study by Cindy Beall, along with my friend Gussy and the other ladies over at SheReadsTruth.com in an effort to read my Bible daily & have a group of ladies holding me accountable.
Day 3 has been particularly standing out in my mind. The passage discussed was Acts 1:23–26 and relates when the disciples were replacing Judas as 1 of the 12 disciples. It depicts how 1 man was chosen & 1 was not; how 1 man faced incredible rejection.
At the end Cindy poses the question “Are there areas of your life where you are still holding onto rejection?” I’ve had disappointments in my life, someone was chosen over me, that sort of thing that is more a direct correlation to what was illustrated in the passage, but when I sat there thinking, the only thing that came to mind was one day in the 5th grade.
I remember exaclty how I felt. I remember exactly what I was wearing. It was the first time I had chosen to wear that particular dress to school and I ended the day thinking it must be the most horribly ugly dress ever. I remember how I wore my hair — in low pigtails. I felt so ridiculous for thinking that pigtails (pigtails?!?!) were a good idea. By the end of the day I felt ugly, unloved & small.
I still don’t really know the “why” behind what transpired that day. I don’t think I did anything of significance to bring it one, but after 20+ years some of the details are fuzzy.
I went to a small private school. In the 5th grade there were 7 girls in my class, including myself. On the day that I’ve been describing, all 6 of them completely ignored me and were rude to me the few times that they did acknowledge me. For an 11 year old, that was bad enough, but amongst those 6 girls was also a very dear friend I have known since birth. Literally. We grew up together and have always been incredibly close. But for some reason, that day the instigator in this scenario had even convinced her to be mean to and ignore me.
I was crushed and couldn’t understand it. If only I were prettier, had more stylish clothes, was more [fill in the blank], perhaps they wouldn’t be doing this to me.
As I was reading the devotional for the day & thinking about that day in the 5th grade — I was crying. 20+ year later, and I’m crying.
I’ve since been wondering how much I’ve allowed that 1 day when I was 11 to shape who I am today. Am I still afraid of feeling that same rejection at 32?
In new friendships, I’m constantly afraid of being a bother. I feel like they’re doing me a favor by allowing be to spend time with them and assume they’d much rather I just left them alone, especially when there’s a group of us and particularly when I’m new to that group. So I’m timid, cautious not to offend or push my luck with their graciousness.
To be honest, I haven’t worked this out yet. I’m still in a place where that hurt is still pretty raw. I know that I long for deep friendship, but am scared to make myself vulnerable to what that takes. I have a feeling others of you have had similar rejection & challenge us to allow God into those places of hurting and not allow something that happened so many years ago to cripple us any longer.
What do you think? Can you relate? Are you willing to let go of this rejection, not allow it to control you anymore & live the life God has meant for you?
xoxo Lori Danelle